Here’s a list I’ve read in several different places. No idea as to the original source, nor the veracity of the contents. But they are funny!
Southern Cops Have A Way With Words
Comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
The other day, in the comments section, I shared a story I once heard. I thought it was about my friend Juan Monroy, but he denies having said it.
The person in the story said:
I speak three languages: Spanish, French, and English.
When I want to talk to my machines, I speak English, the language of technology.
When I am being romantic with my wife, I speak French, the language of love.
But when I speak to God… I speak Spanish.
Maybe Spanish speakers find that funnier than English speakers do. Either way, I think it’s cute.
So how would you like to help make a Star Wars movie? OK, not one of the ones that will be shown in theaters. You can help remake The Empire Strikes Back as a fan tribute film by visiting www.starwarsuncut.com. You claim 15 seconds of the film, then recreate it in the manner you want: live action, claymation, puppets, dogs in costumes… whatever your imagination calls for.
They’ve already done the first movie, A New Hope. If you’ve got a couple of hours to watch it, it looks hilarious. I’ve only seen a few minutes, but it’s really quite a hoot.
Here it is:
Well, what Boris Diaw can do, anyway
Have a great weekend!
I’ve read this in several different places over the years, never with attribution. If anyone can find the original author, I’d love to give credit:
Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here’s how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The “Browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].